Secrets of the Genius Bar

This week, my MacBook Pro died a sad and lonely death after two and a half years of service. I took it in about three weeks ago for a replacement LCD screen–it had been showing hot spots and pixelated grids for quite some time. Upon replacing the screen, the Genius working on my machine ran standard stress tests, which caused the logic board to fry out. After a few days of searching for the replacement part, they opened my case and spotted liquid damage inside, voiding the warrantee and making a complimentary repair a $1600 prospect. I halted the repair and picked up my machine–now fated to be sold for parts on Craigslist, once I pick up an enclosure and wipe the HDD–and have reflected on the whole thing.

The thing is, what they told me caused the liquid damage–green tea or maybe Mountain Dew–are two things I never, ever drink. I have no doubts that the damage is there, but because it was patently not caused by me, it’s a little frustrating on this count–Applecare doesn’t care at all who caused it, so long as its there. As for who caused it, I hate to speculate on that, and instead I prefer to think it came that way (I did buy it refurbished, and it did come with a rather noticeable bend in the front of the chassis).

As a result of this, I thought I would post something of a guide for other customers who need to visit a Genius Bar. On the whole, I think Apple has some of the best repair and technical service in the world, and having been part of that as a iPhone Genius, I speak with a bit of authority on how to talk to the folks on the other side of your computer.

Please note: these are not Apple’s corporate secrets, but more an insight into communicating appropriately.

1. Nobody there wants to void your warranty.

I think a lot of people are shy about their computer problems, fearing that it’s going to be THEIR fault somehow. Sure, sometimes it is–and I’ll talk about how to approach that–but the Genius you talk to will, as a rule, try as much as she’s allowed to fix your computer. The first step, though, is walking in with a broken computer, iPod, or iPhone.

2. If a problem has been coming on for a while, keep notes.

Part of the Genius process is to take notes on the condition of the machine and previous actions by the user–this doesn’t always apply, but it helps them diagnose the problem. If you’re experiencing a quirk, which develops into a full blown problem, then keep a brief log of the problem, and if applicable, what you’ve done yourself to fix it (such as a reinstallation of the OS, or on mobile devices, resets and restores). Accurate notes like this also make the repair process faster and easier, as well as the initial appointment.

3. Be honest.

Laptops see a lot of wear and tear–fortunately, Apple machines are fairly tough, and might survive a short fall with only cosmetic damage. If it runs fine after such an event, don’t worry about it–it’s likely not the cause of any future problem. At the same time, let the nice Genius know about it if they ask, the circumstances, and its performance afterwards–if unexplained cosmetic damage gets noticed, it might be attributed to you.
Look, it really doesn’t take a genius–tee hee–to figure out when a problem was caused by a user or by the machine itself. I’ve seen more than one cracked LCD screen, split iPod case, and data port stuffed with bubble gum handed to me with the phrase “it just broke.” No, it didn’t, and it makes me less charitable when you lie to me. This comes into play when…

4. Geniuses have some limited degree of discretion about repairs and warranties.

So act like someone they want to help.

5. Understand Apple culture.

Apple is a secretive company. Moreover, they’re a company that rarely admits mistakes, and most importantly of all, they’re a company that keeps very tight control over their employees communications. If you come in with a problem, don’t try to snoop, or get anyone to admit to manufacturing problems, upcoming products, Steve Jobs’s health, or whether the walls of the back room are glossy white or brushed metal. Chances are, they don’t know; even if they do, they can’t comment on it.

I noticed that on the sales floor, snoops mostly want to know “our thoughts” on what’s coming up. When it comes to repairs, they want to know who else has had their problem, and when Apple will admit to a manufacturing flaw. The answer to both is the same: I sure don’t know. Pushing the issue is impolite, and even rude depending on the attitude.

6. Please don’t have your hand out for freebies.

It’s a shame that something very dear to you has stopped working the way it should. That doesn’t mean the Genius is going to apologize profusely and hand you a brand new computer for your troubles.

Personally, I would prefer to get my own equipment back, rather than a replacement–replacements usually mean setup time, restoration, customization, and getting to know a new machine all over again. Of course, I anthropomorphize a bit (computers have quirks that sometimes manifest like personality traits), but I know the feel–and limits–of all my computers. My Pro’s optical drive sometimes vibrates; my Air’s fans ramp up to 11 when I run lots of Firefox tabs.

7. Geniuses are friendly folk.

Look, most Geniuses that I’ve known like people enormously–at the Bar, they have a bit of an opportunity to get to know you while working out your problem. Most of them legitimately want the best outcome for you and your hardware, and generally want the experience to be pleasant. Everyone has off moments, and often times finding out something’s broken doesn’t put you in the best frame of mind, but generally, visits to the Bar can be a lot of fun. Everyone just wants to be happy, after all.

8. Understand the limits of Applecare.

Applecare is a good deal much of the time–without it, I would never have gotten my LCD screen replaced, or consultation on my Pro’s tendency to eat batteries about every two months (I had four in two years). It’s typically the first thing I recommend anyone get with their new Mac. Understand, though, that it doesn’t cover accidental damage at all (as seen in my experience above), and it is voided if you do something not sanctioned by Apple–cracking open cases, jailbreaking your iPhone, messing with firmware in a significant way, etc. There are ways to tell if this has been done (especially on laptops–there are an awful lot of screws that need to go back to their original places), so if you plan to service your own machine (up to you, but not always cheap), jailbreak or unlock your phone, or hack away at your iPod, skip the Applecare and forego the Bar.

9. Be ready to defend your position.

The hotspots on my LCD screen were caused by pressure from the metal back of the screen pushing on the glass panel. Mine was given the green light for in-house repair; a friend of mine with an identical problem was told it was considered user damage, and would cost $1300. How did I get mine resolved?

Research can help you a bit–if enough people can document an identical problem with identical circumstances, then at least you know you’re in the right, and can further support your position. However, research gleaned from forums is not enough in this situation, so it’s now on you to provide proof you haven’t abused your computer.

Here’s where notes and documentation come in handy, as well as repeat trips. My laptop sat on my desk at work for six months–no travel, no stacking, nothing–and the spots got worse. I made a note of it, took pictures over time, etc. I explained everything rationally, clearly, and with specifics–when certain lights came in, when the screen started to show grids, etc. I could prove my point that this was not from misuse or abuse (unfortunately, liquid is liquid…). If you know what you’re talking about, and you’re pleasant about it, they can do you some big favors.